Insults and Comebacks

(Phone ringing)… Excuse me it’s your village, they want their idiot back
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.

About as sharp as a shoelace

After many hours of study, research and observing you we have come to a conclusion… You’re thick.

Ah! Your gonna run over me! Oh sorry, you’re so big I mistook you for a car

Ahhhhhhhhhh! It’s Leatherface! Oh no wait it’s you

All day I thought of you…I was at the zoo.

All of your ancestors must number in the millions; its hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.

All the branches fell off your family tree when you were born

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any more up yourself and you’ll be inside out

Anything that is not you is attractive to a woman

Are those your tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave you their heads?

Are you a moron, or are you possessed by a retarded ghost?

Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around?

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

Are you sure you’re a human? Cause last time I checked humans don’t have scales.

Are your parents siblings?

Ass

At your speed you’d better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.

Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.

Being around you is like having a cancer of the soul.

Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.

By some strange chance, are your parents cousins?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Can I borrow your face? My arse is on holiday

Can you turn around I’d like to see your face… wait, that’s not your ass?

Careful with that joke, it’s an antique

Close your mouth! Crap is coming out of it.

Come again when you can’t stay quite so long.

Did your parents have any children that lived?

Do you go to the zoo for a family reunion?

Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea.

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

Don’t feel sad, don’t feel blue, Frankenstein was ugly too.

Don’t get lost in thought; you’ll be a total stranger there.

Don’t go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you’ve got a palm.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks so

Don’t let your mind wander… it’s too small to be let out alone.

Don’t say things like that; it just makes you sound stupid. In fact, don’t talk at all. It just makes you sound stupid.

Don’t try so hard, I couldn’t like you any less.

Don’t worry, you’re just upset that your hair is straighter than you.

Don’t you ever get tired of having you around?

Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling —- in your skull?

Don’t you have other things to think of? Oh! I forgot! Your brain capacity is too small for you to be able to think!

Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?

Dude stop acting like a girl. My bad, forgot you are one!

Dude you’re fat” “It runs in the family” “Mate, no one runs in your family Dumbass!

Dumbass

Even if you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid!

Ever since I have seen you in your family tree, I have wanted to cut it down.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.

Ever since I saw your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.

Fat, single and ready for a pringle!

For those who never forget a face, you are an exception.

Get a life…And do something with it.

Go ahead….tell them EVERYTHING YOU KNOW…… it’ll only take 10 maybe 5 seconds…

Go away I was looking at something better than you

Go boil your head, oh, I see you already did!

Go lay by your dish

Go to hell.

Hang on, I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

Have a nice life.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

Here’s 20 cents, call all your friends and give me back the change

Hey I’m here from the ugly face factory I’m here to get the face you stole… oh woops that must be your real face

hey is that your face or did your neck throw up

Hey monkey your balls are hanging out

Hey [enter girls name here], you look like your dad with your mustache and all

Hey!! They made a song about your weight 8675309

Hey, I

Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down

Hey, you have somthing on your chin… 3rd one down

Hi there, I’m a human being! What are you?

Hi! I’m a human being. What are you?

Horse Ass

How about never? Is never good for you?

How stupid are you?

I

I admire your because I’ve never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief and a cheat.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

I bet I can guess what sign you where born under… RED LIGHT DISTRICT

I bet the last time you saw 90210 was on ur weighing scale.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

I called your boyfriend gay and he slapped me with his purse

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

I can’t compare you to anything because even the dirtiest, smelliest, most rotten of the parasitic family fills its own ecological niche

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter comeback than what you just said

I could give you a penny for your thoughts and get change back.

I could’ve been your father but the dog beat me under the fence.

I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don’t exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.

I don’t find it hard saying you’re ugly because, well look at you.

I don’t know what makes you so screwed up, but whatever it is, it works.

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don’t know what makes you tick, but I hope it’s a time bomb.

I don’t know what sucks more? your mum or your jokes?

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.

I enjoy talking to you, my mind needs a rest.

I fart to make you smell better.

I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for

I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.

I had a picture of you. Notice that I said had.

I hate so much about the things you choose to be

I have heard that you have 2 brains! Unfortunately, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

I have unlimited texts and I still wasted (how ever many) on you

I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.

I hear that when your mother first saw you she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

I hear the only place You are ever invited is outside.

I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.

I hear when you were a child your mother wanted to hire somebody to take care of you, but the mafia wanted too much.

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

I hear you come from a long line of first cousins.

I hear you’re a cabinetmaker’s daughter and everyone knows what’s in your drawers.

I hear you’re a farmer’s daughter and that you can’t keep your calves together.

I hear you’re a gravedigger’s daughter and you’ll lie under any sod.

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

I heard they had to burn down the school to get you out of the 3rd grade.

I heard they peeled off your makeup and found a whole nother painting underneath.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you spend your spare time chasing carriages and eating Alpo.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you’re results were negative.

I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE!

I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

I just learned some new insults just by looking at your face.

I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

I know you have to be somebody, but why do you have to be you?

I like you … Keep being a screw up you’re making me look successful

I like you better the more I see you less.

I like you, I have no taste, but I like you.

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?

I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

I may be fat, but you’re ugly, and I can lose weight.

I notice that you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your conversation.

I read your story. I could pull a better plot out of my dead grandmother’s butt.

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.

I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.

I saved your mother’s life today… I killed a shiteating dog on the way over.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I sincerely hope, pray and dream that your gonads get stung by a swarm of African bees

I think I would find your corpse a lot more useful than it is now.

I think there’s a bit of meatloaf on your neck there… wait… nevermind, it’s just your face

I think you should live for the moment. But after that I doubt I’ll think so.

I took a picture of you and taped it to my ass, but you were still uglier.

I understand you have Van Gogh’s ear for music.

I understand your father found a previously unknown use for sheep…WOOL!

I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I will always cherish the initial misconception I had about you.

I wish cancer on you and all your family

I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.

I wish we were better strangers.

I wish you no harm, but it would have been much better if you had never lived.

I wish your charm could be bottled–then a cork could be put in it.

I wish your parents had never met.

I would ask how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.

I would give you a name but you’re so stupid you don’t deserve one

I would have asked you to sing, but I don’t want the glass I’m holding to break

I would have been your father (mother), but the dog (sheep) beat me upstairs.

I would like the pleasure of your company but it only gives me displeasure.

I would like to help you out, but I can’t figure out which way you came in.

I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.

I would love to insult you, but you wouldn’t understand.

I would probably find you more interesting had I studied psychology.

I wouldn’t piss on you, even if you were on fire.

I’d get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a tree (or cactus), than being with you.

I’d give you 1…out of 10

I’d like to break the monotony; where’s your weakest point?

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I’d like to say I’m glad you

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I’d love to hang out with u but my favorite commercial is on tv

I’d sell your genitals if I was you, with a face like that you won’t be using them much.

I’d smack you so hard, your eyes would roll back so far, you’d see you have no brain.

I’ll be honest;I can’t tell if your mom is even human.

I’ll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you’ll need a passport and a plane ticket back!

I’ll hit you so hard you ‘ll have to take off your shoes to shit!

I’ll hit you so hard you’ll have to unzip your pants to say hi!

I’ll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!

I’ll hit you so hard your wife will fall!

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’ll would never kiss you. But you can kiss me… As in my a**

I’m busy now; can I ignore you some other time?

I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.

I’m not going to get into a battle of wits with you; I never attack anyone who’s unarmed.

I’ve had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

I’ve pushed hotter people out of my way just to go find a place to play with myself

I’ve seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

I…… words can not express how much I hate you

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one actually “enjoys” it?

If a crackhead saw you, he’d think he needs to go on a diet.

If art imitates life, you’d be a black velvet painting.

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!

If brain cells were gasoline, then you wouldn’t have enough to drive an ant’s go-cart around the inside of a bottlecap.

If brains were dynamite, you would not have enough to blow your nose.

If brains were gold you would be very poor.

If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.

If fat were gasoline, you’d have enough to circle the earth 3 TIMES!

If I could afford the wood, I’d have your mouth boarded up.

If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.

If I got a nickel every time you try to dis me but fail, I’d make more money a week than Bill Gates in a month

If I had a face like yours I’d teach my arse to smile

If I had change for a buck, I could have been your dad!

If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you.

If I were you, I’d commit suicide

If I’ve said anything to offend you, I mean it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.

If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.

If my dog had your face, I would shave his ass and make him walk backwards.

If stupidity hurt, you’d go through life on a morphine drip.

If stupidity was a disease, you would be dead right now.

If there’s ever a price on your head, take it.

If ugliness was a disease, you could have been buried long time back.

If ugly were a crime, you’d get a life sentence.

If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, you’re invulnerable.

If you didn’t have feet you wouldn’t wear shoes….then why do you wear a bra?

If you ever feel free to call, trust me I won’t be free at the moment

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck.

If you ever happen to get a life, stop by for a while. I will give you advice on how to run it

If you ever need a friend, you’ll have to get a dog.

If you ever tax your brain, don’t charge more than a penny.

If you got any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week.

If you had another brain, it would be lonely.

If you had any intelligence to question I would have questioned it already.

If you looked better you’d be ugly

If you really want to know about mistakes you should ask your parents

If you said what you thought, you’d be speechless.

If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.

If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.

If you wanna talk, go to the washroom and take out all the crap from your mouth

If you were a million times smarter you would be dumber than an ant

If you were any fatter, you’d weigh less!

If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid

If you’re so pretty, why does everyone run away from you yelling It’s a yeti!

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.

If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.

If your mother was any bigger she could be her own planet

If your parents spent little money on precautions then they would have saved lots of it

In the battle of wits, you fight unarmed.

Instead of scraping into other people’s business, why not scrape the chap off your upper lip?

Is that an accent, or is your mouth just full of sperm?

Is that your butt or basketballs in your pants?

Is that your face, or a possum stuck in your collar?

Is that your face–or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?

Is that your face? Or did your neck just throw up?

Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?

Is there no beginning to your good taste?

Is your family happy, or do you go home at night?

Is your family tree a weeping willow? Cause if I had to hold your picture I’d cry.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.

Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck.

Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork

It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the ‘impression’ that you’re stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

It’s better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

It’s too bad stupidity isn’t painful.

It’s your life — but I wish you’d let us have it.

Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks your an idiot.

Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you’re an asshole!

Jesus thinks you’re a dumbass

Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

Just you go sit down

Kill two birds with one stone, your fat your ugly, done.

Kiss the fattest part of my ass.

Last time I checked, retarded isn’t in season.

Learn from your parents mistakes – get sterilized

Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!

Let’s go some place were we can each be alone.

Let’s play horse. I’ll be the front end and you be yourself.

Let’s put you in the middle of traffic and hope that someone will do the world a favor

Listen, bitch

lol lol ….i like that joke you just said ……but your entire life is more of a hystorical joke

Look, you aint funny. Your life is just a joke.

Look…everyone goes through puberty! (looks at the person,head to toe) oh… I’m sorry… I guess you didn’t.

Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.

Looks like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin!

Loser

Man alive! But I wish you weren’t.

Marriage at a motel is more appealing than the likes of you. What are you, anyways? You look like a joint between a mutilated ape, and a visible fart.

May your spouse be blessed with many bastards

Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.

Me, getting smart with you? How would you know?

Me: Hey are you allowed in your mums bedroom? Victim: Yes Me: Then can you get my pants from last night?

Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.

Most mums ban their children from playing PS3, your mum bans you from KFC.

My cancer just got cured! Thanks to your ugliness, Chuck Norris cried, and his tears touched me and cured my cancer!

My I have the pleasure of you absence?

My mother is more of a man then you. And she’s a woman..

Necessity is the mother of all inventions, but mom is different

Next time spit that crap out in the toliet, where it belongs.

Next time you give your clothes away, stay in them.

Nice tan, orange is my favorite color.

Nice tan, orange is my favourite colour

No one should be punished for accident of birth but you look too much like a wreck not to be.

No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.

Oh my God! I saw you yesterday in that U-Haul box.

Oh my God, look at you, anyone else hurt in the accident?

Oh where you say the trash can was? In your mouth?

One good thing about you, you

One more wrinkle and you’d pass for a prune.

One night spent with you and men volunteer to become eunuchs.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

other people because they have to look at you.

Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.

Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?

Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

Pathetic

People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

People clap when they see you — their hands over their eyes or ears.

People like you are the reason I work out.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Please sit down and take a mess off your feet.

Please tell me you don’t home-school your kids.

Please, I could remove 90% of your ‘beauty’ with a tissue

Pompous proliferator of putrid puns

Roses are red, violets are blue, god made me pretty, so what the hell happened to you?

Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date

Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.

Scuse me, I can’t seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in your mother’s mouth?

She was so ugly… they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla biscuits

She’s so fat! That Christmas picture we took last year is still printing!

She’s so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!

She’s so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!

Shock me, say something intelligent.

Shouldn’t you have a license for being that ugly?

Shut up prom night dumpster baby

Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is

Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is.

since when could animals talk?

Sit down and give your mind a rest.

So tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

So you’re a blonde that everyone loves that has a sinless inside as white as snow…. you sound like a gay twinkie to me.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

So–How is that bladder control problem?

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, you just gargled.

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.

Some people have called you a wit… They’re half right !

Someday you’ll find yourself, and will you be disappointed.

Someday you’ll go far, and I hope you stay there.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

Sorry, you can’t use the it’s cold outside excuse.

Stop bullying fat people, they have enough on their plate

Sure, I’ve seen people like you before – but I had to pay an admission.

Tell your father to use a condom from now on

Thank you; we’re all challenged by your unique point of view.

That’s not what your mother said last night.

That’s not your Halloween mask? are you sure?

The best part of you is still running down your old mans leg.

The biggest nose in the world wasn’t coined until you came along.

The difference between your momma and a rooster? The rooster says cock-a-doodle doo, your momma says any-cock’ll do. I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change.

The eyes are the window to the mind and your eyes look like the holes in a privy.

The last time I saw a face like your’s I fed it a banana

The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!

The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

The moment you were born, a time paradox was created. The world will explode because of you!

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

The only one who’s proud of you is yourself

The only positive thing about you is your HIV status

The only reason you exist is because yo momma passed out drunk in the barn and the farmer thought she was one of the cows

The only thing that goes erect when I’m near you is my middle finger.

The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.

The only time you ever got to second base was at the petting zoo.

The only way I’d lay naked with you would be in a mass grave

The sooner I never see you again, the better it’ll be for both of us when we meet.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.

The twinkle in your eyes is actually the sun shining between your ears.

The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

The zoo wanted a new animal, I told them I’d bring you.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

There was a comment about your dad in a movie… I think its YOU SON OF A DISHWASHER?

There’s enough people in this world who hate you, without you working so hard to get another one.

There’s only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don’t want two of you around.

There’s two things I really hate about you: your face!

They say art is ugly…so I guess you’re God’s best piece of art

They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking,

They say that beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to use a black light.

They say that God created mankind in his own image, but you…

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like, obviously he never met you.

Thinking isn’t your strong point, is it?

Those penis enlargement pills most be working, you’re a bigger d*** than you were last week

To make you laugh on Saturday, I need to you joke on Wednesday.

to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.

Travel broadens a person. You look as if you have been all over the world.

Up your nose with a rubber hose

Wait a minute…..you are going for bath? is it a week yet?

Waiting for you to say something intelligent is like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa.

Wanna know the exact number of people that like you? The number of people that live on the Sun.

Was it hard learning to be so ugly or were you a quick study?

Was the ground cold when you crawled out this morning?

We all sprang from apes, but you didn’t spring far enough.

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

We know that romance brings out the beast in you – the jackass.

Well I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

Well I’ll see you in my dreams – if I eat too much.

What are you going to do for a face when the babboon wants his ass back?

What happened? I thought your face looked a lot better.

What is that on you head? A hairball from a mountain lion?

What kind of creature are you?

What was that? You have a brain freeze? But honey doesn’t that actually require a brain first?

What’s a mix between an alligator, ostrich, do-do bird, and a mud fence? I don’t know but it looks like you!

What’s that big fat ugly thing on your neck? Oh, that’s your head!

Whatcha say? I couldn’t hear you over the stream of stupidity coming from your face.

When anorexics see you, they think they need to go on a diet.

When I want your monkey brained opinion, I’ll rattle your cage, ok?

When they made you, they broke the mold—and beat the mold maker.

When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?

When you do push ups you don’t go up the world goes down

When you get run over by a car it shouldn’t be listed under accidents.

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.”

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

When you haul ass, she has to make two trips.

When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I’ll say your stupidity.

When you sit, you sit with everyone

When you were a baby your parents used you as a guard dog because you were so ugly

When you were born something terrible happened, you lived.

When you were born the doctors slapped your mum instead of your ass.

When you were born your doctor died because he saw you

When you were born your mum left you outside the orphanage and handed herself into the police

When you were born, the police arrested your dad, the doctor slapped your mom, animal control euthanized your brother, and A&E made a documentary that saved your life.

When your dad dropped you off at the airport they said sorry no garbage cans on the plane

Where did those pants come from? They look like you slept in them!

Where did you get that? On top ten list?

Who do you think is the best comedy team? ME? I think it’s your parents….they made the biggest joke!

Who’s your boyfriend Kurt Cobain?

Whore.

Why can’t you just go back to Pluto?

Why do you even get up in the morning?

Why do you get up in the morning?

Why do you have to be that way, you seemed normal until I got to know you?

Why do you tell jokes when your face is enough to make people crack up?

Why don’t you check up on eBay and see if they have a life for sale.

Why don’t you freeze your teeth and give your tongue a sleigh ride.

Why don’t you go away and play Russian roulette with all chambers fully-loaded?

Why don’t you go blow your brains out, you’ve got nothing to lose.

Why don’t you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma